I often hear my clients (mostly conscious/spiritually-minded/heart-centered entrepreneurs) say, “I don’t care about money. It’s not about money. I’m not interested in saving money.”

Can you feel an energy of avoidance, discounting—even denial—in these statements? Let me repeat my philosophy here: how you do money is how you do everything. When you fail to care about money matters, there are bound to be other aspects of your life and business that lack your much-needed care, as well.

Money is a medium. Just like anything else in the world, money has its own energy. We need to pay attention to how we interact with money, nurturing and cultivating this relationship. The reality is, we cannot wish money away, expecting our needs to be fulfilled while we look in the other direction.

But—hey! It’s not your fault you don’t know how to deal with money. After all, they don’t teach us this stuff at school. That’s why I’ve devised a crash course in money matters for conscious, heart-centered people like you.

Money is a medium for people to exchange value. When you provide value, you get paid. And when the value you provide helps people, you are being of service. By growing your business and increasing your income, you are being of greater service to others. But when you are constantly struggling with money, you are not helping anyone—you can’t even take care of yourself!

Below, I share the 3 most effective action steps you can take to start paying attention to money and harnessing its secret energy, so you not only have more money in your bank account, but can hold onto it, too. Forget puzzling over complicated charts and graphs. These 3 steps are simple for a reason. They are designed to help you make a big impact—without a big headache. Try them for at least a month and see what has changed for you.

1. Track your daily income.

In order to increase the money flowing into your life, you first need to know exactly how much you are making. Keep track of your gross income every single day and total it up each month. On the days you don’t have income, just log a zero. Over time, you can start to play games and have fun with it. Ask yourself: “How can I increase the numbers?” or “How can I decrease the days that I have zeros?”

For steps #2 and #3, check out the full article at my new money & marketing hub, Evolving Prosperity.

Image: nongpimmy / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A few months ago I wrote about the song of the summer, Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.”  At its height, the song was somewhat of my anthem—I played it on repeat for weeks.  But now that Gagapalooza has died down a bit, the sassy songstress appears far less frequently on my playlist, though I still find myself hum-singing the chorus—without thinking—throughout the week.  Gaga, I love ya girl, but you’re not so good as a broken record.

Having the same song stuck in your head can be maddening.  Even the best tune goes bad when it’s on repeat in your brain.  But what about the other broken record—the one that doesn’t have a beat?  I’m talking about the thoughts and feelings we have programmed into our cerebral iPods through repetition that, like this year’s song of the summer, end up resurfacing, often without us realizing.  For most of us, the broken record of our self-talk is far worse than last year’s pop song:

• “I suck.”
• “I’m stupid.”
• “Nobody loves me.”
• “I can never achieve anything.”
• “I’d like to do X but I can’t because…”

The good news about broken record syndrome is that there is a solution (both for the self-talk and the songs).  Break down your broken record in three steps:

Step #1.  Listen to the lyrics.

Before re-programming your cerebral iPod, you have to take an inventory of what’s on it.  Pay attention to the thoughts and feelings you repeat to yourself, especially in moments of decision-making, stress, or pain.  What types of words and phrases top the charts?  In my experience, “to be” is a platinum couple of words that have the power to define how we feel about ourselves and our abilities, as well as our relationships with other people:  I am a perfectionist.  He is lazy.  We are hopeless.  Pair a similar “to be” phrase with a generalization like everybody, nobody, always, or never and you have something equivalent to “The Song That Doesn’t End”—the worst of the self-talk songs: Everybody thinks I am stupid.  She never is there for me.  We always are fighting. Listen closely.  What “to be” phrases are the biggest hits in your head?

Step #2.  Play a new song.

In order to wipe out the old music, you’ll have to replace it with something new—something totally different than what you were playing before.  When the record player in your head starts spinning that familiar sequence of “to be” phrases and generalizations—drown it out with a new groove.  “To be,” for example, suggests that something is a universal fact.  Quite morbid if the “to be” is a negative thought about yourself.  Replace that “to be” phrase with “it seems to me,” which immediately changes the tone of the tune.  Phrased like that, a “truth” transforms into a perception, allowing you to judge whether it is valid or lacking proof.

Or, better yet, replace your negative “to be” phrase with a positive one—what you aspire to be or desire—and sing it louder.  Practice saying this new phrase out loud.  (Visual people can practice focusing on an image that represents their positive “to be.”)

Step #3.  Watch out for new versions of old hits.

Uh oh!  Just when you think you’ve wiped a song from your self-soundtrack, a cover version takes it place.  I’m talking about “Yes, but…”  These are phrases that start off with something new—positive self-talk—and end up on the same tune.  Tracks like “Yes, I did pretty well, but it could have been better.”  My favorite trick for erasing a “Yes, but” is to simply switch it around.  Take the above sentence and flip it to “It could have been better, but I did pretty well!”  By ending on a positive note, a broken beat becomes an uplifting anthem.

As for Gaga?  I archived her once and for all by mixing up an autumn playlist of new artists that get me moving again.  (I’m listening to it right now.  Follow me on Twitter to find out what’s on it!)  What about you?  What will you be taking off your cerebral iPod this fall?  And what will you be putting on your electronic one?  I love to swap playlists!  Find me on Facebook.

The other day, I was paging through my Facebook newsfeed when this appeared on the screen next to my friend Julie’s gravatar:

“Dear boys, when a girl gives you her number—call or text her. PLEASE. None of that ‘Wait three days’ crap. Because even if she’s an independent and mostly confident person with an awesome job and cool friends, I promise you that she’s still glancing at her phone every two minutes to see if she missed your call.”

A number of Julie’s friends agreed that dating “rules” were “stupid—an opinion I share, in principle, but the responses failed to call Julie out on one important point, in particular. What prevented Julie from circumventing the rules completely, asking for her crush’s number, and calling him herself? If Julie doesn’t want to be “chased” in between three day silences, why put herself in a position where the only thing she can do is wait?

Marie Forleo, author of Make Every Man Want You, says that rules are really just decisions we make about how to behave based on our past experiences. When we treat dating like a game, dutifully abiding by “the rules,” we disconnect from the present moment and make decisions out of fear. Thus, our experiences with the opposite sex are plagued by Don’ts and Nevers, contaminating our energy with doubt and negativity:

Don’t come on too strong.
Never call a man first.
Don’t talk too much.
Never have sex on the first date.
Don’t make the first move.
Never date more than one man at a time.

Julie was confused by her suitor’s silence because she played by “the rules” and still felt like she ended up “losing,” causing her to repudiate the game completely—exactly the conclusion an “independent, mostly confident woman,” as she describes herself, should come to. The minute a woman submits to the rules at all, she positions herself to “lose.” I’ve said it before—dating is not a game. There are no winners in the dating game, only cheaters who manipulate others to temporarily gain power, sex appeal, or something they twist into looking like love.

The reason that rules don’t work in the complex landscape of relationships is because they lead us into love on a path of fear, not self-actualization. We work hard to present ourselves in the light we think we look best in, denying integral parts of our persona so we can “win” the heart of our beloved. The relationship you gain as a reward for abiding the rules is built on the shaky grounds of manipulation—an enemy to intimacy. True love springs from authenticity, communication, and a willingness to fully surrender to another human being—values directly in opposition to the above list of Don’ts and Nevers.

In her post, “It Isn’t a Chase He Wants…” Kenya K. Stevens, better known as “Jujumama,” takes on one of these Nevers: “Never have sex on the first date.” As Stevens observes, women who break this “rule” and get burned often turn on themselves and blame their transgression for a relationship’s failure. But sex isn’t the problem, Stevens says. It is the energy that a woman brings to the bedroom. If she openly regrets her decision to violate this famous Never in the company of her lover, he will feel as though he has failed and is incapable of satisfying of her needs. So, why call her again? Better to find a partner who enjoys making love than to pursue a lover who feels ashamed of her own sexuality.

Stevens conclusions fall in line with my own experiences coaching male clients, who share how “the chase” is more like a fearful gauntlet of “ask and be rejected.” Men naturally tend to protect themselves by avoiding situations where they might be cast away. For many men, this means avoiding women who broadcast their fear of “losing” the game by tiptoeing around the invisible boundaries drawn by Don’ts and Nevers.

Now, don’t get me wrong—I’m not advocating wanton sexual promiscuity or that every woman reading this post immediately start repeat dialing the man on her mind. What I am saying is that it’s time for “independent, mostly confident” women like Julie to throw out the rulebook and stop blaming the game for their loneliness. Gone are the days when men sought a good “rule-abiding” woman. (Haven’t you ever heard the famous feminist slogan, “Well-behaved women seldom make history”?) If you’re searching for a love for the history books, it’s time to stop behaving. Julie, this means you.

p.s. Have we spoken 1-on-1 yet? Click here to book your free strategy session.

Recently, my husband has been out of town for work so I have been out dancing a lot.  Argentine tango is becoming my new addiction.  Check out one of my favorite dancers, tango legend Osvaldo Zotto:

The Argentine tango is a social dance, so we rotate partners frequently.  At first, I was quite apologetic with each new partner.  As a novice, I worried about boring the poor guys but, to my surprise, my partners told me they preferred to dance with beginners because we don’t go into “auto pilot” like the pros.  With expertise comes habit and routine.  And what my dancing partners have noticed about tango “experts” is that, as they advance in their skills, they could lose the ability to improvise and feel the dance.

In Zen Buddhism, the word Shoshin means “beginner’s mind” and it refers to an openness to learn without prejudice.  Shoshin is the spirit of immersing oneself in a new area, free of expectations.  Zen Buddhists believe that “in the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few.  I very much have “beginner’s mind” when it comes to Argentine tango.  I come to each class with great humility and an eagerness to observe and absorb everything I see.

Novice dancers are especially attractive partners—even for the pros—because of beginner’s mind.  When learning something new, beginners are forced to exist in the present moment because acquiring knowledge requires alertness and attention.  This presence allows the novice dancer to feel the dance and respond to his or her partner instead of moving unconsciously through the space like the pro may be prone to do.  Thus, the tango is more about two dancers’ connection than technique.

I think this is why tango fascinates me so much.  You have to be completely in sync with your partner to produce a beautiful dance.  And I find my own dancing improves when I surrender to the moment instead of worrying about who may be watching or if I’ll make a mistake.  Dancing is the perfect metaphor for life—living in the moment is not about staying in your head and anticipating the next move but reacting spontaneously as life happens.

A while back, I went to a practice session at a dance school and saw a young boy there who spent the evening moving forward and backward, nothing more.  I assumed he was simply trying to familiarize himself with the basic steps.  Then, a few days later, I saw him dance at the Milonga and, boy was I wrong!  This “beginner” was actually an advanced dancer with beginner’s mind!

It is the same in martial arts.  The real masters always return to the basics, even the black belts.  When you think you “know it all,” that is when you cease to grow.  Shoshin says that no matter how much we may think we know, there is always more to learn, so why not be lifelong beginners?

As you move forward in the dance of life, try to approach each step as if it were the first time you were attempting it.  Recall the precision and concentration of your early days learning that particular move and bring back “beginner’s mind,” no matter how senior you may feel.  How can beginner’s mind improve your relationships, your work life, and your favorite hobbies?  Leave a comment with how Shoshin teaches you something new—today!

p.s. Have we spoken 1-on-1 yet? Click here to book your free strategy session.

Are you dating a paper man? If so, it’s time to call it quits. You deserve the real deal.

What do I mean by “paper man”? Well, he’s the guy every girl thinks she wants to date. When described, it looks like he has all the goods. He shares your interests, has a similar vision of the world, and talks the talk when it comes to building the type of relationship you want. All in all, he’s perfect—on paper. Yep, that’s the catch. Paper boyfriends are the guys that look great in writing but don’t actually hold up in the real world. When you’re talking about them, they more than fit the bill, but when you’re actually with them, they come up short. Very short.

My work colleague, Clara, just broke up with her paper boyfriend, Alex,—or, in her case, “pixelated partner.” She met him right before leaving the city on sabbatical, so the two got to know each other via Skype and email before dating when she returned. From Clara’s side of the computer screen, Alex appeared to be everything she was looking for—he shared her tastes, her politics, her life goals. He was the perfect paper boyfriend—that is, until Clara actually dated him.

What she found out was, as perfect as Alex looked on paper, he was a mess in reality. Turns out, common interests don’t always translate into the values necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship. Clara may have found a man who professed an interest in community service and social justice—her passions—but when it came to creating that same level of peace and harmony in their relationship, Alex was far behind her.

And as Clara later discovered, paper boyfriends are hard to quit. Because they are especially impressive to our intellects, our minds often want to convince us that our paper boyfriends are real men, not frauds. (And, in many cases, the boyfriends themselves will try to do the same.) Clara put her mind in its proper place by practicing a little thing called mindfulness—and it’s what I’m going to recommend to you as a follow-up to dumping your own paper boyfriend once and for all.

Mindfulness, at its core, is about getting in touch with reality and connecting to the present moment. It’s also a powerful antidote to your mind’s persuasive ways when it comes to Mr. Paper. The cool thing is, you don’t need any fancy classes to start practicing mindfulness—you can begin right away. Finish this blog post and away you go!

Clara began with breathing. For ten minutes every morning and evening, she set a timer and “watched” her breath, meaning she stayed focused on each inhalation and exhalation and allowed coming thoughts to pass by peacefully without needing to latch onto them. Mindfulness exercises like watching your breath allow you to practice noticing your thoughts, instead of becoming wrapped up—or smothered—in them. Then, when you begin pining for that paper ex-boyfriend, remembering how perfect he seemed, you can identify it as a thought and not a reality.

Because the real thing is good. He doesn’t just look good.

p.s. Have we spoken 1-on-1 yet? Click here to book your free strategy session.

Guess this modern day Cinderella:  A “commoner” (with a wicked stepmother, no less) swept up in royal romance and turned into a princess overnight—only to discover that “happily ever after” had gone out of style and, what’s more, that a crown could never complete her.

Give up?  It’s Sarah, Duchess of York, or—as you may have heard her called—“Fergie.”

If you haven’t already seen it, Sarah has a new show on the Oprah network: “Finding Sarah” and it strips Sarah down to what the tabloids didn’t tell you.  (“Fergie” was famous for her alleged infidelities and struggles with weight and, thus, ridiculed for “blowing it” with her Prince Charming.)  But O digs deeper, showing us that there is a human being, not a fairy tale princess, behind the glossy magazine scandal.  In fact, I think Sarah has just as much in common with single girls in NYC as Cinderella.

Sarah didn’t always have it easy.  (She’s a commoner, remember?)  Abandoned by her mother at the age of 12, her father—a Major in the British Army—encouraged Sarah to bury her pain and move on.  So, she did, at the expense of her knowledge of herself and ability to express and understand emotions.  Sounds like just the kind of girl who might be prone to hum, “Someday my Prince will come.”

Well, he did.  Sarah married Queen Elizabeth’s second son, Prince Andrew, in 1986 and became the Duchess of York.  But, as many NYC singles turned “soulmates” learn the hard way, finding your Prince doesn’t guarantee much, especially not that hazy “ever after” that the Brothers Grimm talked so much about.  In other words, the One is just that—a single part of your life, not everything, and he can’t rescue you from yourself.  Just look at Sarah.

On her show, Sarah talks frankly about “having it all” and, then, losing everything because she couldn’t find herself.  Turns out, not Prince Charming nor his pretty white horse can give you self-esteem.  And if you don’t have that, a crown on your head won’t do much either.  As I watch her life unfold for the cameras, I find myself with a heart full of compassion for Sarah.  It’s tough to work on such grueling, intimate stuff in front of the whole world.  But, in addition to compassion, I’m also full of gratitude to Sarah for being brave enough to share about what so many women suffer in silence.

Forget her stint with Weight Watchers, Sarah should be the poster girl for limiting beliefs.  Conditioned at a young age to measure herself according to her family’s expectations, when Sarah “grew up” she brought an ego full of negativity and self-sabotage with her.  On an early episode of “Finding Sarah,” Martha Beck challenged Sarah to make her way through a maze—blindfolded.  Afterwards, Sarah wanted to know, “Did I do it right?”  Not surprisingly, Sarah looked to someone else to validate her, unfamiliar with what it felt like to trust her gut.  Like so many of us, Sarah waited for others to give her answers, instead of finding them within herself.

So, what is she doing about it?  “Finding Sarah” is like a self-love boot camp and Sarah is re-conditioning her relationship with herself while detoxifying all those ego-based limiting beliefs.  (Here’s where Sarah’s royalty puts a wedge between her and most of the single girls I know—they aren’t backed by Oprah.)  But the cool thing is that Sarah’s therapist found a way to turn her need for outside validation into a powerful tool for self-love—by asking Sarah to see herself through her daughters’ eyes.  If Sarah could treat herself as her daughters treated her, with unconditional love, she would be able to replace each limiting belief with positive affirmation and begin building a foundation of self-love.

Now, you may not be backed by Oprah, but if you’re single (or married!) and still waiting for your happy ending, could it be that you’re actually a princess already who is on her way to lose her crown?  Could you use your own self-love boot camp?  Here’s an Oprah-backed trick you can try at home:  put yourself in the shoes of someone who loves you dearly, whether it be a family member, a friend, or even a pet!  When someone truly loves you, they aren’t constantly judging or distrusting you.  Open your heart to yourself as you would your most trusted confidante—get to know yourself.  (I bet there are secrets you haven’t told yourself yet.)

Self-love begins by knowing who you are.  Think of it as falling in love with yourself through little dates and special moments that you create with and for you and you only.  Be your own Princess Charming!  Maybe you can even curl up with yourself on the couch and enjoy a quiet night in with an episode or two of “Finding Sarah,” just to see how the royals do it.

On lazy days, I love to browse the shelves of my local booksellers in search of inspiration or entertainment.  This weekend I found both.  My muse?  An unassuming brown paperback titled The Boyfriend Training Kit by Tanya Sassoon that caused me to do a double take—and later, double over with laughter—when I passed it in the aisle of one of my favorite bibliohaunts here in NYC.  The book’s otherwise unremarkable wrapper is adorned with a small pink star proclaiming it the “indispensable accessory for boyfriend owners everywhere.” A quick flip through the contents revealed, to my relief, that Sassoon was kidding—the “training” she suggests is all tongue-in-cheek, made hilarious with the accompanying score book and gold stars for “well-behaved” boyfriends.

What makes The Boyfriend Training Kit inspiring as well as entertaining is the light it sheds on the way that many women mistakenly approach relationships.  While it is clear to me that the author intended her “kit” to be ironic, I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of Sassoon’s readers bought the book with serious intentions of “reforming” their boyfriends.  I say this because I have coached these women.  (Though none have ever ‘fessed up to using a manual to perfect their partners.)  They are typically smart, independent, high-achieving ladies who approach relationships the way you might approach a work task or a DIY project—treating their partners like putty or play-doh.

One such client—let’s call her Gretchen—felt frustrated with her boyfriend, Mark, for what she saw as a lazy and haphazard approach to his small business so she decided to hire herself as his advisor—uninvited, of course.  The result nearly wrecked their relationship.  Convinced she was making Mark a better businessman, Gretchen began calling him throughout the day to check that he was accomplishing everything on the “To Do” list she had crafted.  When Mark didn’t improve to her satisfaction, Gretchen showed up at his office unannounced and openly criticized his management style in front of employees.  On one such day, Mark exploded, shouting at Gretchen to stop mercilessly nagging him and telling her he felt she was acting more like his mother than his lover.  Gretchen told me she felt blindsided by Mark’s reaction.  “I was only trying to help!” She explained, flustered and upset.  “Why can’t he see,” she asked me, “that I love him and I just want him to reach his full potential?”

I’ll tell you what I told her.  Men don’t come with a manual—and that’s a good thing.  Your “job” as a girlfriend isn’t really a job at all.  Love isn’t about delivering results or “managing” your partner’s success but supporting him with trust and admiration.  By trying to change or “improve” the man in your life, you imply that there is something inherently wrong with him or that who he is at his core dissatisfies you.  And there’s no better way to put your boyfriend on the defensive than to tell him that he’s not good enough—just ask Gretchen.

Have a piece of advice you would like to impart to your significant other?  Fill their love tank first.  This means speaking to your partner in his love language, giving him love the way he receives it best.  For most men, this language must be rooted in respect, not criticism—however constructive it may be.  Once your significant other’s love tank is full, wait until emotions have subsided before addressing an issue.  Then, turn complaints into specific requests—no whining—and be sure to deliver these requests with grace.  Finally, have a sense of humor and a lot of creativity.  Let go of the fantasy of how your “ideal” partner would act and do some out-of-the-box brainstorming with your boyfriend to come up with a win/win that works for both of you.

So, whatever happened to Gretchen and Mark?  Well, once well-meaning Gretchen figured out that Mark needed her to back him up, not boss him around, she discovered that he was capable of managing himself—with much better results!  In fact,  as soon as Mark fired Gretchen as his “business advisor,” taking her on as a full-time girlfriend instead, he gradually opened up to hearing her feedback, even inviting her to share her insights.

Still hoping you can “train” your boyfriend a la Sassoon’s little brown kit?  Why not train with him instead?  Try taking up a hobby or a sport together.  Get in shape for a triathalon, sign up for culinary classes, or become fluent in a new language with your partner at your side.  When you’re learning together, you’ll find that you feel much less tempted to play “teacher.”

p.s. Have we spoken 1-on-1 yet? Click here to book your free strategy session.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“I’m getting out of here.” My friend Allison told me abruptly. “It’s time to switch to the West Coast.”

When Allison told me of her plans to leave New York City behind for the foggy shores of San Francisco, I was floored. Well—knowing Allison—maybe it wasn’t that abrupt. But it certainly felt that way. We had been talking about being a single in the Big Apple and how nervous Allison was that she would never find a family man in the city that never slept.

“San Francisco is full of families.” She explained. “The men are marriage-minded.”

“Maybe that’s because the men are already married!” I laughed, hoping a joke would lighten the mood so Allison and I could talk about what was really behind her decision to trek 2,000+ miles across the country in search of her soulmate.

Okay, so perhaps I’m the pot calling the kettle black. I cannot deny the fact that several of the stamps on my passport are products of my own pursuit of true love. But there is a difference between me and Allison that keeps us farther apart than any flight could cover—faith.

Throughout my many misadventures while looking for my match, I always had faith that I would eventually find the perfect partner for me. This faith helped me to measure the men I was dating against steady standards rooted in self care. And this faith gave me the strength to pass up a few good men for the great one who would eventually become my husband.

Without faith, finding a partner feels a lot like a scavenger hunt—racing against the clock to secure the items on your list, willing to settle for the closest thing. Faithless and sensing that her time was ticking away, my friend Allison was ready to rush to the West Coast to win the dating game. It didn’t matter if she ended up with something less-than-perfect, as long as she landed a lover before her time was “up.” What Allison didn’t realize was that, in the scavenger hunt scenario, nobody ever wins. Love isn’t a game with a ticking timer. It is a leap of faith—even and especially after you’ve found “the One.”

When you have faith that true love is out there—with no deadline, no agenda—dating turns from a breathless frenzy to an enjoyable experience between two people who may or may not be right for one another. In my case, faith allowed me to learn from each mismatch I made, instead of resenting myself for making the wrong choice. When I finally met my husband, I wasn’t flushed with desperation but full of positivity and patience, energized by the experiences I had before him instead of worn down by them. And this is what I told Allison. Were she to be in New York City or San Francisco or rural Nebraska, without faith I am certain she would never find her family man.

If you are a single seeking your soulmate, I urge you to get off Orbitz and have faith that your life will lead you to your heart’s desire. In the meantime, don’t forget to have a little fun. After all, you’ll want to be smiling when you finally meet your match.

p.s. Have we spoken 1-on-1 yet? Click here to book your free strategy session.

Image: pal2iyawit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This weekend, I noticed something interesting about the single girls I was sidling past at my favorite watering holes. With their proverbial party hats on, they were determined to take full advantage of their own staycations—and for many of them this meant loading up on physical flirtation, coy laughter, and sexual innuendos as if they were piling their plates at an all-you-can-eat man buffet. I caught one such single girl giggling to herself as she ordered a celebratory cocktail and was a bit surprised when she leaned close to me and confided, nodding towards the hunk in the corner, “He’s really not my type but c’mon—he’s so sexy! And hey, it’s a party!”

Now who was I to tell her what to do? (Slow down. Get to know him. Remember that physical chemistry is only one of many attraction factors.) So I smiled and considered giving her my card but, by that time, she was already sashaying towards him with just a hint of mischief in her eyes.

Holiday weekend or not, Vacation (or Staycation) Syndrome is something I see a lot in the single girls I coach and I remember it well from my own single days. Going off the excitement and energy you feel when you first connect with someone and sense an attraction, you throw caution to the wind and adopt my cocktail-toting friend’s attitude of “Hey, it’s a party!” This often means quickly adding sex to the festivities or looking at your new interest through vacation goggles—focusing on the heat you feel but forgetting about all the other levels of chemistry.

In his book Mars and Venus on a Date, Dr. John Gray lays out four types of chemistry—physical, emotional, mental, and soul chemistry. With vacation goggles on, physical chemistry reigns supreme, leading to one night stands and, with that, the dreaded “walk of shame.” (A particularly painful experience in New York City.) Worse, even, is when relationships sped up by intimacy hit brick walls because they weren’t built with anything other than physical chemistry. Without emotional, mental, and soul chemistry, you can bet that your relationship will be as short lived as a…vacation.

Please don’t get me wrong. If love is like cooking, you absolutely can’t do it without heat. (Unless you’re a raw foodie but that’s another post for another day…) But if heat’s all you have, you’ll end up feeling deeply dissatisfied, longing to “get away” on another vacation.

All vacations—and staycations, too—must come to an end. If you’re looking for a soulmate instead of a summer fling, take off the vacation goggles and look for a partner who makes each and every day a holiday. And stay tuned to the blog for more on Dr. Gray’s four types of chemistry.

Searching for your soulmate?  How about a little help with that?  Sign up here for a free 1-on-1 Single2Soulmate strategy session with me.

Maybe it’s because, when it comes to movies, I’m of the international/art film variety, but I was never too keen on the 90s hit Jerry Maguire, especially after I realized how unhealthy the message is that it sends to women about true love. Remember the infamous line? “You complete me.” Yuck.

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t always feel this way about sappy lines like that. Much like the single women who sighed when Tom Cruise sputtered those words at Renée, I was looking for a partner to “complete me” and it drove my dating life…into the ground. Time after time, I found myself powerfully attracted to men who offered me something I thought was missing, who filled a void I felt within myself, who made me feel “complete.” My particular Kryptonite was men with talent. If a guy had a spectacular skill, I was all over him. It took me 15 years of failed relationships to realize that my quest for completion was leading me in the opposite direction of my heart’s true match.

That’s because, deep down, I struggled to find my own talents—I was sure I had none. So I wasn’t actually attracted to my boyfriends’ talents; I was hooked on the subconscious sense that I had somehow stumbled upon that which I lacked. Turns out, I was taking a shortcut to self-love, using relationships to avoid addressing my insecurities. When I realized this, I stopped looking for talent in my partners and started seeking it within myself. Can you guess what happened? Yup. My creativity began to flow and I discovered that my talents had been hidden inside me all along. Suddenly, I didn’t need a record producer or a bestselling author on my arm, which is how I opened my heart to my husband and discovered the best, most fulfilling relationship of my life.

When I became a life coach, I vowed to debunk the Jerry Maguire myth that true love is about finding someone who “completes” you. Unless, of course, you’re talking about self-love. In that case, you’d be right to say “you complete me” to your beloved—because your beloved is you.

If you’re exhausted by searching—unsuccessfully–for your soulmate, you may want to ask yourself what is drawing you to the men you’re dating. Is it possible that you’re attracted to something in them that you wish you yourself possessed? Are you hopelessly hooked on the notion that you can live vicariously through what your perfect partner has—and you don’t?

Let me give you a little tip. Throw away your copy of Jerry Maguire. True love won’t complete you. You can do that yourself.

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